[Transcript of an illegal wiretap obtained on January 10, 2008 at 8:17PM EST between two of the suspected satanic cult members.]
[Pearse] “Pearse here.”
[Andrew] “Pearse, it’s Andrew.”
[Pearse] “Yo, dude – what be happen’?”
[Andrew] “I just had this great idea. Let’s invite a ton of college coaches to come to one place to look at kids. We can charge a nominal fee – I figure we won’t lose our shirts because we can get a sponsor to pick up most of the bill.”
[Pearse] “I don’t know, man. It sounds like this might help a kid. I thought we decided that helping kids went against our core values. You remember – dude – we issued our new core values statement last Thursday night when after we drew pentagrams on the floor and called on the Lucifer to aid our club’s 2008 fiscal results. [Unintelligable…] and then the pig and the chicken killed each other over the goat all in the name of the devil [Unintelligable…] it was great, man!”
[Andrew] “Dude – you’ve got to let go of all of that and focus. I’m feeling you on the whole values thing…but the fact is that we really won’t help any kids. Instead, what we’re going to do is to recruit them. That’s the whole point – kind of a pump and dump scheme – don’t you get it, man? We recruit them and then we take all of their money and then by [unintelligible...] we take their souls! It’s brilliant, man, absolutely freakin’ brilliant!!!”
[Pearse] “But Andrew, why do we need to recruit them? We won 5 of 8 state championships about a month ago. Heck – there’s not much more recruiting we can do, is there?”
[Andrew] “Absolutely! You’re just not thinking big enough. Look, I know that we were pretty bummed a few years ago when we didn’t come up with the idea of forbidding kids from playing where they wanted to if their teams had too many “non-locals” on it – that was completely evil and cool – but this isn’t a bad way of going about maximizing our karma debt! If we keep this up we can really, really impress the man downstairs."
[Pearse] “Karma debt? How are we really going to screw kids over doing this? I don’t get it?”
[Andrew] “That’s because you’re not thinking big enough. If we can get them all into one place, then we can brainwash their teenage minds into joining our cult – I mean, our club. Once we have them in the club, then we can stop winning only 5 of 8 state championships and start winning 6, 7, even 8 of 8. And then we can kick these kids to the curbside. [Unintelligible…] and then their souls will belong to our master!”
[Pearse] “Okay…I’m starting to get it. But here’s what worries me. What if some kind of genius – some kind of joyous parent – figures it all out and tells everyone! What if this joyous parent lets everyone in on our scheme?”
[Andrew] “Come on…who’s going to believe someone like that? They’re going to think that this person is just worried about losing someone off his kid’s team – so he’d rather screw over all of the kids in terms of giving them an opportunity like this just to protect his kid. [Unintelligible…] souls will be ours and no one will understand how freaking prescient this person would be.”
[Pearse] “Okay…I’m completely with ya’ – let’s do it!!!”
